Samya's Space

I must keep writing for it liberates me.  Lord Buddha preached to not make promises while you're happy and to not take decisions while you're sad. Contemplating this, I can only think of the way too many instances where I have done quite the opposite. Almost all my promises were given with a smile and the major decisions of life taken with a heart filled with unspeakable grief or anguish.  THE IRONY of it is sad actually.

Do not seek here love that knows no boundaries glistening in my eyes looking into yours Do not seek here the sweet waiting that filled my heart  with each one of your promises Do not seek here the worry I felt seeing you unhappy and caught up in your fears Do not seek here the warmth of my touch as I clasped and wrapped your hand in mine Do not seek here the tears that flowed down as my heart broke inside me, quietly But do seek here a flower wilted and dying, shuddering  as you pick up another blooming flower.

“At first I did not love you, Jude; that I own. When I first knew you I merely wanted you to love me. I did not exactly flirt with you; but that inborn craving which undermines some women's morals almost more than unbridled passion--the craving to attract and captivate, regardless of the injury it may do the man--was in me; and when I found I had caught you, I was frightened. And then--I don't know how it was-- I couldn't bear to let you go--possibly to Arabella again--and so I got to love you, Jude. But you see, however fondly it ended, it began in the selfish and cruel wish to make your heart ache for me without letting mine ache for you.”  ―  Thomas Hardy ,  Jude the Obscure

Come here sit down beside me. I don't have much to give you or show you. but i have a stack of books, of very much cherished yet battered books, worn out as i have with years, and just as my soul, still smiles through the discoloured, well-perused pages. so i shall read aloud to you, or you can read to me, and i promise you ill be all ears, my attention will not waver off your voice for a minute. either ill let my voice sweep over you or succumb to your voice bathing me with glorious imagination ensuing from those precious words. this is all i can offer. but this i offer with all my heart. i shall sit there in that little hut in that old rickety chair. but i know you will not come. even today you averted your gaze with contempt from me. as always, moved away as if my presence itself was sore to your eyes. but i wont contradict you or reproach you, never. not because your gestures and actions do not hurt and wound me deeply, prof...

Shades of pink around her feasted eyes Soothing, loving words and every comfort material and otherwise that a mortal ever craves velvet at her feet, spacious luxury motors carry her No one scorned her, or was scorned by her I wake up from my daily nightmares to the real one filled with yells, scoffing and insults And resort to pretence of sleep as no more can I do of any result. Flogged, abused, spurned, dragged I stand forlorn on a crowded street Passing eyes jeer with inquisition, I feel like screaming out of it... Her sweetly admired repertoire of intellectual thought my deranged mind in all a baffled sort Her kind, thoughtful words my depth-less jabber, spoken to impress Her recognition and love my shame and hateful vows I feel like strangling a weeping girl with the hands she'd use to wipe those tears I spit the filthy scoffing back at the world with the lips s...

As a child, I believed, that the Sun was mine and He followed keeping His bright eyes on me sharing the happy warmth with me I felt nothing but haughty But now I know, it is not so, because I got to know the Lady Moon She's the love of Sun's life and in the light of His affection She shines, her face beautiful, reflecting His love showered over Her Yet I noticed each and every dawn and dusk She demurely leaves as He arrives She leaves...He arrives, they never pause Lovely Moon's silent plea was never heard by a soul but me, since one cloudy night she sang to me in her voice of sweet melancholy, "Oh, for true lovers were never united and those united were never true. Dear, such is how true love shall be Now is not too late to learn than never is..."

...so she let the glove mask the pain She sat in that corner the usual he looked, and went on as usual to sit down a bit further away They had to themselves the two darkest spots of the stuffed hall to observe Her expensive muslin the tender milkiness of skin sparkling embedded emeralds around her neck Nay, that wasn't where it lay but in the eyes that remained downcast through every dance unaware of any eyes watching hers Always wondering into the depths  of the seas of faces unknown to her He saw it This last day that he saw her his ears caught a whispered sob escaping her  secured by the wind brushing her wounded soul, a question that hung forever weighing on his mind. She was murmuring to herself ‘Yes, they say they’re only lines on my palm but was it only me who saw two destinies intertwined?’   A sigh escaped him. retreating, he muttered sotto voce, 'I will not have the last dance, afterall.' ...

The Angel...was Black... nondescriptly dressed,  with curly hair,  kind eyes in a plain face that was bruised and bled as she tried to cradle me out  holding tightly on to me after she got me safe out of the rubble and the debris  of the crashed car Can it be true? Were not angels fair and their eyes blue? Sashaying in her dress glittering like the moon? with a face that God only could have drawn? Why did they lie to me? my favourite character in the cartoons was the pretty angel or the fairy because no one could match her superior beauty why didn’t they show me that angels looked just like me…

Have you been there? when everything is blurry and you realize all your attempts to shoo the raw and painful reality is failing. And then it is nausea,  breath itself choking you. W hat irony, then you die from breathing.             It happens... it happens                         believe me. you try so hard to fit in with the people whom you look upto, knowing all the time that it is absurd. haven't you tried to sit or slump or let yourself fall down and stay there, and think that something different is happening with you which is not with others. not.anything.flattering. haven't you thought about all those memories which hit you with full colour in the black & white life? haven't you set aside all moral pursuits just to let your heart have that moment of fantastic happiness...till your mind stings you with a waking call, saying, proving, that none of that was real. and then...

The child who played with his fingers his child- his very own and the answer to his wife’s prayers he poured all the love over his son which in a past day was all bottled up doubting forever, his feelings he departed only later to realize that he was in pieces the last solemn glance of her that he saw was etched to the heart of his hearts forevermore  seizing it and tormenting it now and then what pain, doubt’s sting would into his conscience send repentance at not realizing what true affection was while looking it in the eye, he paid for it with all later days of his life now, the little him clutches at the wedding ring on his finger in the background melts his wife’s crinkles into a smile so tender Maybe, he resolved, thi...

(Thu, Feb 19, 2015 at 1:15 PM) To: ...................................... If you thought my words harsh, I can only tell you that they don't even begin to express the indignation I feel towards you. But because of your cowardly decision, I am now relieved from you, which I would've never done on my own accord, but borne all abuse and led an awful life, because loyalty is my cursed virtue.                Nobody knows how strong they are, until being strong becomes the only option. That is so now. I shall try to forgive you someday, but not now. Now, I just have to focus on rebuilding trust and try to survive in this world again, which is really, really hard. I have a paragraph in an entry of my diary, which helped my mind to soothe itself. That is the fact that an ego like yours shall never wear away and that there's a certain poignant satisfaction in knowing that my communications therefore w...