Last Correspondence

(Thu, Feb 19, 2015 at 1:15 PM)

To: ......................................

If you thought my words harsh, I can only tell you that they don't even begin to express the indignation I feel towards you.
But because of your cowardly decision, I am now relieved from you, which I would've never done on my own accord, but borne all abuse and led an awful life, because loyalty is my cursed virtue.

              
Nobody knows how strong they are, until being strong becomes the only option.

That is so now.

I shall try to forgive you someday, but not now.

Now, I just have to focus on rebuilding trust and try to survive in this world again, which is really, really hard.

I have a paragraph in an entry of my diary, which helped my mind to soothe itself.
That is the fact that an ego like yours shall never wear away and that there's a certain poignant satisfaction in knowing that my communications therefore will never be dignified with a response. So, this crumbling of ego in the form of a letter from you was unexpected, though the acquiescence of sentiment took months to possess you.

Never mind.

You kept quoting that my smiles were fake.
But my tears were real, blinding me, as we sat beside my river :)
With tears running down my quivering face I asked you to not make me inherit my mother’s destiny by leaving and breaking my trust yet again.
Did those words pop into your mind the moment you decided you wanted nothing to do with me?
Why did you come back after leaving me once and make me cling on to you with all my hope, just to push me off the ledge for the second time?
I have many more questions. But you will swiftly pass them on with an 'I don’t know.'

I’ve revealed all my fears and secrets to you. And become vulnerable.
I wish I was good enough for someone to want to stand by me and protect me.
But God must have different plans, mustn’t He?

Maturity and strength came in the most extraordinary way.

It's when mother's eyes and words and actions, pity you, when your friends tell you love's not your thing, or that it never was.

It is also when you try to tell your sister to be cautious in love, and she tells you that you're just jealous and you should admit it.
And it is when you suffer recurrent nervous attacks,

on the bus, on the road, at a lecture, in your room or even while talking to someone, around the campus, College House or the Queen's Rd.

You know what I find there.

Lies.

Sweet lies you whispered in my ear as we sauntered past all these places.

You're fooling yourself if you deny that I have every right to hate you, despise you, to hold you in contempt and till I'm strong enough to forgive,

I shall NOT forgive you.